Lands End to John O'Groats the Long Way Up

Day 21, Kirkwall to John O'Groats and Wick - 38 miles

2009-06-03T12:43:00.001-07:00

Cumulative and final mileage - 1,327.

Just over one hour cycles from Kirkwall to St. Margaret's Hope where the ferry goes back to the mainland. Another lovely, thankfully, windless day. Cycled over the "Churchill barriers" which were causeways constructed by Italian POWs duing WW2 to block off Scapa Flow from German U-boats.

One of the barriers above.

Ferry to the Scottish mainland.

The End ! Or almost.

Paul at the end with still enough energy to lift his bike in triumph.

More circumspect knowing that another 17 miles still to be cycled to get to Wick where we catch the train back to Reading. Only item of note back to Wick was when we were overtaken up a hill by a young man on a mountain bike and flip-flops (we did stop for liquid releif). Not taking this sleight well we sped off and hammered past him to put him in his place. We did let him get a sufficient lead to think he could sustain his lead. Hence zoomed into Wick.

We were asked many times if we were going to cycle back ! After the train journey we thought it would have been easier. Leaving Wick at 0620 we were meant to arrive in Reading, after taking four trains via London, at 0800. After missing endless connections we eventually drag ourselves into Reading at midnight. We couldn't even cycle home in triumph and had to be picked up by Lesley in the car. An ignominious end !

OK Paul what's next ?

Day 20, Circuit round the Orkneys - 41 miles

2009-06-03T12:31:00.001-07:00

Cumulative - 1,289 miles. Set out on another lovely day for what should have been a tootle round the island as it's flat and quiet. Hammered north to Birsay at the end of the island in less than an hour (for 20 miles !). When we stopped we realised that something was up when we turned back south into a 40-50mph wind. Great picture of Paul pushing his bike on the flat. He realised we were in for 20 miles of hell when freewheeling down the hill in the picture he came to a stop ! We were in bottom gear cycling downhill !

Looks lovely but was hell.

Great surf - if only in Bournemouth.

Luckily there were plenty of things to take in on the return to Kirkwall like the Ring of Brognar above.

All in all it took less than one hour to do 20 miles and three hours to do the return 21 miles !

Today was also the day of the most famous bike chase of all time. Another couple were out on their bikes and struggling more than we were. It took ages to pass them. It must have been the slowest overtake of all time. Soon after we dashed all of their hope, they gave up and we lost them.

Day 19, Tongue to Kirkwall, Orkneys via Thurso - 63 miles

2009-06-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Cumulative 1,248 miles. Start of four days of beautiful, hot weather. Most other cyclists we met were white as ghosts having come up through England to the west of the Pennines (ie through Manchester, Lake District). We came up to the east of the Pennines and hence did not get wet or cold and to most peoples shock, a lovely bronze colour.

More big spaces, views and skies.

The Kyle of Tongue in the background bathed in cloudless skies.

More impressions of speed !

Passing the still to be decommissioned Douneray atomic power station on a Friday afternoon. From here to Thurso we were continually attacked by chavmobiles driven by Skanska construction workers rushing home for the weekend. A series of clapped out Suburus and loads of small Clios, Fiestas, Astras and Mondeos with exhaust systems larger than their engines, zoomed close by us - some even heckled "go faster you poofs". I am sure they must have all come from Mansfield.

2009-06-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Day 18, Durness to Tongue - 29 miles

2009-06-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

Cumulative 1,185 miles. Shortest day of the trip but still included plenty of what one shaggy haired local called "plenty of wee fellies on tha road".

Big hills. Big roads...

Small problems. Paul trying to work out why he is cycling so slowly - he is blaming it on the front disc brakes.

Big views. Cycled all day and saw no people at all. Not even any sheep.

Big skies and big landscapes.

More of the main A road across the top of Scotland.

Once we had arrived at Tongue, we took over the local pub so we could watch the Champions League Final, however the one pub there is in Tongue was owned by Geordies..... however not your average Geordies, one of them seemed to be the missing link in evolution. He could not string one sentence together without a swear word......actually yes your average Geordies. I was worn out just listening to him!!

Day 17, Achmelvich to Durness - 56 miles

2009-06-03T11:22:00.001-07:00

Cumulative - 1,156 miles. This is where "youth" hostelling needs more explanation. Paul was the only "youth" we saw in any of the 10 hostels we stayed in. Even me at 48 was deemed young as I could walk, go to the toilet without assistance and generally not dribble over my clothes. Youth hostels are the summer repository of old, single, white men - commonly known as "pros". Pros stands for "Professional Botherers". They prowl the hostels looking for naive people on their own they can corner. Once coralled they will bore you to death about their time in the middle east as an expat, the ins and out of taking trains in Wales or the deficiencies of the Labour Party (we did get the feeling that all pros are Daily Mail readers and UKIP or even BNP voters). These pros follow you around the youth hostels. Just when you have cycled a whole day to avoid them they turn up at the next hostel in their clapped out Volvos to bother you some more - as they have met you previously you are greeted like a long lost son. We learnt very quickly that eye contact with a pro is a fatal mistake. Take this on board early that all is well.

The turn to the main A road to the north of Scotland - a single lane just about tarmaced road unbeleivably with passing places if any traffic just happens to meet each other.

Common site above today - ie nothing for miles.

Above is Paul racing ahead in the drizzle - he doesn't like to get wet !

Day 16, Carbisdale Castle to Achmelvich - 55 miles

2009-06-03T11:09:00.001-07:00

Cumulative 1,100 miles. We make the long trek from the east coast to the west coast of Northern Scotland. Not much in the first part of the day except the beautiful River Oykel which unfortuneately had a lot of rude Audi-driving English trout fishermen roaring around the backroads which we had carefully picked out of the map. Hence the photo in the only pub for miles around which says trout tickling and "groping" are offences. I know lots of people that grope old trouts and didn't realise that this was illegal !
The long climb around Loch Assynt coming into Lochinver. Only 152 miles say Paul - I have to bring him down by saying that on my route we still have at least 250 miles to go.

Great action photo of Paul giving the impression of great speed - sadly not the case as you can see the long ascent we have just come up.

Achmelvich beach which would grace the Med. The photos is badly let down with me wearing a coat. There is probably one day a year when swimming here is a pleasure but this was not it.

Day 15, Loch Ness to Carbisdale Castle - 65 miles

2009-06-03T10:54:00.001-07:00

Cumulative 1,045 miles. We crash through the 1,000 miles barriers going through Beauly below.
Paul takes a well earned rest on the long descent into Bonar Bridge after a long climb out of Allness.

This is Scotland's idea of a young person's coach trip "Wild and Sexy" - when has coach touring ever been sexy !! Anyway had a bout of road rage with this thing today as the driver could not decide whether to go right or left with us behind him - his indecision was made worse by his speed of 20 mph.

Funnily our only other incident of road rage occured today when a Toyota Yaris tried to inch past both of us on a B road. He got past Paul but started to edge me into the ditch at the side of the road until much flailing of arms and horrible curse words made the stupid driver realise that there were two bicycles on his indside (I have to say "his" because both cases of dreadful driving were done by "his" and not "hers" strangely).

Below our bed for the night - Carbisdale Castle - unbelievably a youth hostel equipped with grand ballroom (communal eating) and a Great Hall scattered with Italian marble statues. Not bad for £12 a night.

Day 13, Crianlarich to Fort William via Glencoe 52 miles

2009-06-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

Cumulative - 940 miles. Rained, no pissed down all day, and we have no photos at all of Scotland's most photographed area of the Glencoe Pass. We didn't care being more intent on reached Fort William asap to see the Heinekin Rugby Cup Final.
Day 14, Fort William to Loch Ness via Ben Nevis - 40 miles
Cumulative 980 miles. Rick, the hivis escort rejoins us for the scaling (well more like heads down grinding and plodding) of Ben Nevis on our day off. Unusually for this area we have photos which show some background rather than low cloud.

Richard near the top carrying a large swag bag filled with "get you up the mountain goodies".

Bloody freezing as you ascent - temp dropped by 10 degrees C in a couple of hours of plodding. Must admit I left Rick as I was too cold and ran down the mountain to meet up with Paul, as he preferred to read about the continued demise of Newcastle Football Club rather than brave the outside. Good decision as it started raining as I reached the bottom leaving Rick with a sound drizzly drenching. Paul outside the Scottish Youth Hostel located on the banks of Loch Ness. Fab spot with the communal lounge overlooking the view behind Paul.

Same view of the loch. More about the dangers and pitfalls of youth hostelling later (why they are called "youth" hostels is a mystery - more ranting later).

Paul astride the 1940's tandem that a very nice couple of 70 year olds from Bristol were doing the same trip. Deep deep respect for doing it on the above beast which Paul could not even lift up ! Alex would say it's Pauls "guns" but I can vouch that it was made of cast iron.

Day 12, Kirkintilloch to Crianlarich - 68 miles

2009-06-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Cumulative 888 miles. Bum ratings - these are now discontinued as both Paul and Miles have developed "Iron Arses" as Stalin famously said about Molotov.

Started out the day from Miles's brother Richard's house outside Glasgow. We have been honoured by a bright yellow "highvis" cavalcade motorcycle escort. Paul reckons it is because we are taking exercise in Scotland and thus need to be protected from the natives. More mundanely Rick needs to get his farting, Chinese 125hp beast to his second home in Oban.

Nevertheless going down Kirkintilloch high street we are confronted just after 8am with a man running across us in trainers looking like he is one a morning run. Paul is so cynical that he immediately comments "the only reason he is running is the pub has probably opened on the dot at eight and he doesn't want to miss any valuable drinking time".

No more about low Scottish life expectancies - although it does seem to both of us that everyone has a fag on the go. Cycling through the streets of urban Scotland is counterproductive as there is more passive smoking taken in by all the folk crowded round pub entrances.

Fantasctic day's cycling along three bespoke cycle ways - Strathkelvin Walkway old railway line above from Kirkintilloch to Strathblane, then onto part of the West Highland Way - where my road bike set up faltered as I immediately careered into a mud hole whilst Paul just floated by on his tractor tyres (I got him back later on straight flat roads - well nearly flat - the road surface still awful). Lastly we went round three inland lochs after Aberfoyle on the wonderfully named "Loch Venachar InverTrossachs Trail".

Above one of the lochs to be cycled round.

Motorbike escort at the pass to Lochearnhead and the run into Crianlarich across more dreadful road surfaces. The full glory of what Richard's wife Fiona calls the "putt-putt machine" is seen above. We went faster than it on several descents but you can't argue with 148mpg.

Day 11, Melrose to Kirkintilloch Glasgow - 76 miles

2009-05-21T12:38:00.001-07:00

Cumulative - 820 miles. Bum ratings : Miles - 7, Paul 6 (terrible Scottish roads inflicting serious undercarriage damage to English behinds - the Scot's always attack from the rear !).
This is outside the rather plush Melrose Youth Hostel where a strage German was loading up his bike with three panniers and a tent. He was wearing a suspicious pair of close-fitting Nureyev tights. He was off the cycle the Scottish Castles route which ends up at Berwisk-on-Tweed - which incidently has been called the "Poland of Britain" as it was invaded alternately by the Scots and the English - I suppose being German he would readily understand about invading unprotected countries.

This is me going along by the beautiful River Tweed. Luckily the road goes alongside the river for 40 miles before we had to climb out of the Borders and start to descend into Glasgow metropolitan area (when I use the word descend I mean it both physically and socially).

Firstly we were cheered on by the local drunk ladies in Airdrie - it was only 3 o'clock but they were out in force. They could hardly stand up but gave a stirring Scottish welcome from the pavement.
Next we had our afternoon picnic break at the salubrious A721 roundabout at Motherwell.

Finally some decent road and bike rage just outside the vast council house estates of Bellshill. Miles gets cut up and hooted by Scottish driver who knows something is wrong when he sees someone doing exercise in Glasgow. He immediately assumes rightly that this must be an alien Englishman and therefore must be repelled. Lots of hand and finfer communications ensue before Scotsman notices that this pleasant diversion for him is cutting into his drinking time at the local.

Off to climb the Trossachs tomorrow (that is not a colloquial term for sheep shagging !).

Day 10, Durham to Melrose (Scotland) - 90 miles

2009-05-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

Cumulative - 744 miles. Bum ratings : Miles 4, Paul 4 (Paul had bad knee rating instead). Fantastic but long day taking in Hadrian's Wall, the Northumberland Moors, Kielder Water and Forest and the Scottish Borders.

Starting off at Caroline's outside Durham, both her and Ed accompanied us the first few miles - although at the first hill Caroline firmly states "I don't do hills !" - so that was that.

The above looks like a rugby front row - a hooker in between two props !
This is Paul climbing out of the valley up to Hadrian's Wall. Some bits of the wall left. The Romans did a fine job in keeping the Scots out of England - a shame we can't rebuilt it !
This is us leaving England over the rather bleak but beautiful moors.
This is us invading Scotland on our trusty steeds. Two things you notice immediately ; firstly you go from bleak moors to rolling wooded and ferned hills and secondly Scottish roads are rubbish ! Never seens so many potholes, bad repair works, worn out surface and their speciality - sunken drain covers - by at least a foot. Don't know if their government spends all the money on hospitals as it has been argued (the Scots I suppose do need more hospitals than most - we have seen so many smokers on the streets and fat products in the shops) or that the highway workers are all on Special Brew for elevenses.

Here we are at the top of the Boarders where the roads were very good, (we must have done these ones) only sheep using them. Finally the weather broke and from here on in it was glorious sunshine.

Day 9, Harrogate to Lanchester (Durham) - 77 miles

2009-05-19T05:32:00.001-07:00

Cumulative - 654 miles. Bum ratings : Miles 3, Paul 3 (disappointingly low ratings for all you sadists out there - we've become hard Northern men).

Picturesque north Yorkshire towns today ; Knaresborough, Northallerton, Durham and Boroughbridge. No picture today on the run as 85% of it was on the one A167 which was in the flat Vale of York - so it was head down at 20 mph (wonderful 18 mph tail wind). Dodged the rain and arrived late afternoon.

Unfortunately we did not take many photos today as we were hammering through the miles.
We will be in Scotland tomorrow and promise picturesque photos from here on...

Here we are outside Caroline's house, on top of the first real hills of the day.

Below Caroline enjoying a spot of gardening on her allotment, even though she has left hardened London she still controls 'the patch'.

Day 8, Sheffield to Harrogate - 65 miles

2009-05-19T04:56:00.001-07:00

Cumulative - 577 miles. Bum ratings : Miles 3, Paul 3 (longer day but still in good shape).

Parts two of the social horror tour of Hades. Today's "highlights of the lowlifes" were Rotherham, Featherstone and Castleford. We were getting quite experienced in navigating through disused industrial estates and derelict terraces. Even we did not have the courage to go through Paul's nemesis of Bradford - to be avoided at all costs. Picture below was coming into Featherstone and we noticed some local wildlife on the pavement.

Low and behold we find a resident of Featherstone shot for trying to escape.

We plough on through the industrial heartland (wasteland) until we finally see green around
Wetherby where suddently the humans looked human and the widlife looked wild. Below is the lovely cycle path from Wetherby to Harrogate.

Eventually arriving at Auntie Julies in Harrogate. Beware Simon and James - she wants this place as well. Thanks to Julie for putting us with us both.

Cousin John (on the right) manfully took on the mantle of feeding us the 5,000 calories needed at the evening sittings. Many thanks to John and Bruno (on the left).

Day 7, Nottingham to Sheffield - 45 miles

2009-05-19T04:12:00.001-07:00

Cumulative 512 miles. Bum ratings : Miles 2, Paul 2 (we hardly got going today).

Today we entered the social wasteland of Britain, the economic Bermuda triangle around Mansfield, Kirby in Ashfield and Shirebrook. What a dump ! Row upon row of boarded up and unused houses and small kids (the mothers) pushing prams with armies of even smaller kids inside. Even the shops were either boarded up because it was too dangerous to show what goods were inside or they were boarded up because they were derelict.

It was like going on a forced anthropological tour of some strange primitive territory (we call it Middle England but it is more like Middle Earth) infected with primaeval tribes of creature which stand on two legs but are not as we know them - Mansfield seemed to be full to the brink of missing links !

This neatly brings us on to the other main event of the day - technological failure. Quite ironic after Paul's treatise on Day 6 blog claiming that everything thing I touch is not magic.

First off one mile outside Paul's home in Nottingham entering the badlands of Long Eaton, he says "peddle fast" because if we stop they will get us ! Following order I put my foot down and the peddle falls off. We make a quick 3 mile dash to three bike shops before we can get all new parts fitted. Three hours later off we go again now unable to go via the Peak District as we have lost the morning. Unfortuneatly we have to go via Mansfield - see above rant.

New parts £130 - see happy man in photo above.

(Just a small note from Paul: The parts that needed to be replaced were the parts that he had replaced 4 days earlier.....And more. So he has been through 2 sets of all brand new parts in just over 3 days)

Then just outside Sheffield climbing the Himalayan peaks that surround that city Paul's chain goes. Happily only takes 5 minutes to fix so that we can freewheel at 40 mph into Andy's house.

Entering Andy's we are serenaded with Ravel and Faure.

Only other event of the day was when we were passed by a lycra man coming from Derby. He stopped and chatted with us and sped off on his racer. We decided to give chase and caught him up but then really wished we hadn't been so competitive. He was wearing black lycra but with two very very important differences to normal people. Firstly he was wearing no underwear, not in itself a major issue but combined with the fact that his lycra was SEETHROUGH it became a serious crime. We were then chasing two pendulous pink slabs of jelly parked on bike. We vainly hoped that he had pink undies on, but no such luck as we spied the deep crack between the hilly jellies. Gives cyclists a bad name !

Day 6, Coventry to Nottingham - 56 miles

2009-05-15T11:09:00.001-07:00

Cumulative 457 miles. Bum rating : Miles - 2 and Paul 2. mileage of 56 in one day is too easy to affect anyone's backside. Got first dampness of the journey with one hour's spitting and avoidance of all the thunderstorms that raged around the Midlands today.

Below is the second breakfast of the day at Ashby-de-la-Zouch. This is quickly followed by lunch in a valiant effort to consume 4,000-5,000 calories per day.

Below is Paul watering his bike in thew hope of it growing bigger tyres to go with his recently bigger legs ! In Paul's mum's back garden in Nottingham.

Just a quick Mechanical note.....

Problems with the bikes that needed attention so far.

Miles...... New bearings (bottom bracket and rear cogs), chain set, back sprocket, front cog and crank.

Paul....... None, not even a puncture.

It must be the way the bikes are ridden, or the fact i look after the Cannondale as shown above.

Day 5, Woodcote to Coventry - 83

2009-05-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

Cumulative - 401 miles. Bum ratings : Miles - 6 Paul - 2 (Paul's new lycra shorts doing the business with their KY jelly inserts !).

Easy day as the Midlands is boringly flat. In fact we only have the above photo with Lesley at the start of today and the photo below at the end of the day at Paul's friend Dan and his mum Dawn.

There is nothing of any note between Reading and Coventry.

We scraped the barrel below to get something worthwhile about the Midlands - this is Kenilworth Castle where Robert Dudley allegedly consorted with Elizabeth I before his head was taken off and was previously owned by Simon De Montfort, the Earl of Leicester, who led a civil rebellion against Henry I before being killed in battle and dismembered. End of history lesson.

More dull Midlands tomorrow on the way to Nottingham.

THE ROUTE

2009-05-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Here is a map of the UK with the route we are taking as some people are finding it hard to grasp where we are going/what we are doing.

Day 4, Bournemouth to Reading - 93 miles

2009-05-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Cumulative - 318 miles. Bum ratings Miles - 3 Paul - 7.5 (Paul has since discovered that Calvin Klein does not offer as much protection as Ted Baker - personally I prefer the lycra with the tampon inserts). Above one of the New Forest ponies relieving itself on two legs.

Lovely sunny day - again. Horrible cycling day with a constant 30mph NE wind which is not much fun when you are heading NE all day.

Typical long climb over the Hampshire downs out of Overton - the home of the famours "Gay deli".

Day 3, Sidmouth to Bournemouth - 85 miles

2009-05-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Cumulative 225 miles. Bum rating Miles - 3 Paul - 4 (Paul going in the right direction).

Great sunny day. above photo is steepest hill so far into Abbotsbury in Dorset. We were both very happy to leave Devon and it's succession of long, steep hills.

Above Paul taking the views in over the Dorset cliffs with Portland Bill in the background.

Dave "the Horse" joins us outside Weymouth for the last 40 miles - we have to say the easiest 40 miles ! To be fair to him he acted, as the French call it, as the "le Domestique". In other words he sat at the front and took the wind - even though to look at him the wind should just rush past him.

Us going over the Sandbanks ferry across Poole Harbour. Not my hat by the way.

Dave's 30 year old school bike last 39.5 miles and then decides, on the smoothest surface on Bournemouth prom, to get a puncture. Paul and I tempted to make him walk home but took pity on him.

Day 2, Plymouth to Sidmouth via Dartmoor - 59

2009-05-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Cumulative - 140 miles. Bum ratings Miles - 2 and Paul - 2 (most of the day out of the saddle ploughing up hills like the small one above).

Classic Dartmoor view apart from the lack of sheep. Interesting we went to the Bodmin gaol museum a few weeks ago and the roster of people hung in the 1800's included the usual crimes of murder, rape, infanticide etc. and two people hung for "bestiality with sheep" !

Good day with sw 10mph to counteract the 15 mile uphill start to get us on to the top of the moors.

Day 1, Lands End to Plymouth - 91 Miles

2009-05-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

We will put a daily "BUM RATING" on the blog so that you can guage the level of pain in both our backsides. You will be able to find out how much pain you are getting for your money. This will be rated from "0" for "gently resting on two soft pillows" to "10" for "Edward III's red-hot poker" or "an active night with Michael Barrymore".

Todays Bum Rating : Miles -4 Paul - 2.

As you can see from the above it was very windy today. Perfect cycling conditions - 35mph WSW tailwind the whole way and a warm 15C. Total time on the road 9-5 or 8 hours.

Proof of departure.

St. Michael's Mount just outside Penzance.

I will not describe what happened next !

Update tomorrow evening when our stop is Sidmouth via Dartmoor.

2009-05-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Here I am in Devon... Just making sure I can add to the blog from the iphone

2009-05-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

We are setting off tomorrow!!! We are going to be keeping this blog updated during the ride with how we are getting on, any major incidents and all of the photos we take along the way. Please feel free to write notes and spur us on. Paul